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The World's First Summons
To A Sexual Olympics
Original Title (After Swift): A Modest Proposal
International Times (IT), Jan. 30-Feb. 12, 1967

EVERY four years the nations meet in solemn congress for the Olympics, and the problem now hardest to solve is not the number of athletes or nations who wish to compete but the number of athletic events which can be included in the games. Yet the one physical act to whose fulfillment we devote the greatest part of our time, our imagination, and often our energy as well is never included in public competitions nor to be found in the list of recognized sports, neither at the Olympics nor at other less publicized events. What we propose, for those hard of hearing, is in fact to admit the sexual act on an equal (at first) status with other sports activities in free and open competition. It is obvious that the time is ripe, if. not over-ripe, for this to happen, and the only possible objections such a move might attract would have to do with details or organization.

It is proposed that these competitions should be limited at first—though only at first—to Male Events, in grudging conformance with the conservative notion that female athletes may prove to be slightly more reticent than males, though this may not turn out to be the case. This is merely to get things started. In any event the first matches are likely to prove somewhat primitive and experimental, the main criteria for male attainment being number, duration, and productivity of orgasms as measured on a relatively passive female partner of standardized attractiveness or suitable plastic substitute.

It should be obvious by now that women will not be long excluded from these competitions, thus opening the way to Female Events. These may also be judged by the number, duration, and, in this case, intensity of the orgasms, and it is clear that the miniaturization of electronic techniques has a great role to play in this last category, as submicroscopic monitors may be placed in appropriate areas of the anatomy to guard against feigning by over-zealous female competitors.

These two categories of Male Events and Female Events can be significantly refined, introducing new elements of timing, obstacles, and incentives, but the most interesting, as well as the most popular, feature of these matches is likely to be the Team Events. Here the criteria can be as varied as taste and imagination may require—the possibilities are almost endless, even without the use of various props, sound effects, and chemical stimuli. Some of the simpler competitions are likely to depend on:

a) the smallest number of strokes leading to simultaneous orgasm;

b) the greatest number of strokes in sustained competition leading to final simultaneous orgasm;

c) the attainment of mutual satisfaction against a time limit or under certain special conditions.

For differing tastes, there might be events involving specific kinds of dressing, undressing or caressing, events in specific historical or geographical settings, events requiring a specific number of steps to be completed in a specific order, as well as more inclusive events involving improvisational elements. Some kind of prize should possibly be awarded to the most spontaneous performance by a couple who, through marriage or other circumstances, have competed together over a long period of years. For the traditionalist steeped in romantic usages there might also be an event called Classical Seduction. In all of this the many well-known positions are certain to play their role, adding zest, variety, and new competitive possibilities to each event. And having gone this far, there is certainly no reason why these competitions should be limited to any particular gender of combination of partners, as prejudice in this regard is clearly a thing of the past. Animals should not be excluded, and there is no reason to limit the number of competitors on each team.

The imminent opening of our sports arenas to these competitions is certain to herald the beginning of a new era in social organization, which is, to say the least long overdue. Where today our sports pages and television screens are filled with groaning, straining athletes desperately striving to lift a leaden weight or beat each other to a bloody pulp, tomorrow's pages and screens will be populated with images of an entirely different nature. Even the columns of statistics on the sports page will take on new life, with orgasms for goals and ejaculations instead of wickets.

Our children will grow up trading cigarette cards showing the greatest champions of all sexes and events in moments of passionate triumph, and huge sums of money will be paid by magazines for accounts of how they felt as they won or lost the championship. Everything possible will be done to encourage the general public to admire and emulate these champions, and detailed books of instruction and encouragement will be made available to one and all.

This article is Copyright © 1967
by Alexander Gross. It may be
reproduced for individuals and for
educational purposes only. It may
not be used for any commercial (i.e.,
money-making) purpose without
written permission from the author.
All Rights Reserved.

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